Not Okay
by azureLuna11
Summary: Pepper remembers so many times she thought Tony Stark was dead. Now that he's really gone, she's not sure how to cope with the loss of her husband and Morgan's father- (Sad Pepperony!)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello beautiful people! =) **

**Alrighty this is my first time writing any Pepperony so I hope I did the best couple in the mcu justice! btw this takes place about...5 months after Endgame **

**And what did you guys think of Far From Home? _Honestlyyyyyyy..._ I was a wee bit disappointed, so now I'm feeling a little scared (but still excited) for Phase 4 (except for the Black Widow movie and the Loki series, I know those are gonna be absolutely amazing) **

**This story is dedicated to my friend JK, girl if you're reading this by any chance, I love and miss you _so_ much and I hope I'll be able to talk to you again soon**

* * *

_/I hold on to little pieces of what we were_

_I know we're long gone, but take it easy, because it hurts..._

_I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace so please...please..._

_Could you find a way to let me down slowly? _

_A little sympathy I hope you can show me _

_If you wanna go then I'll be so lonely,_

_ if you're leaving baby let me down slowly/ - Alec Benjamin and Alessia Cara- Let Me Down Slowly _

* * *

"And then after the bad guy's explosions went off, we finally shared our first kiss," Pepper ended fondly as she brushed her daughter's dark locks away from her face.

Morgan yawned sleepily but still smiled back.

"I really like that story mommy."

"Me too baby, me too."

"Hey mommy? I miss daddy, where'd he go?"

Pepper looked down at her daughter nestled in her arms sadly and went to hold her small hand. These conversations never got easier, and she doubted they ever would be.

"Remember we already talked about this sweetie? Daddy's resting in heaven."

"Oh, well when he's done resting, can you ask him to come back?"

"I'll...I'll try, but I dunno if he'll get my message. I hear the connection's not that great there. How about we wait until it's our time to go to heaven and we'll meet him there? I think that'll be easier."

Morgan lit up at that and gave her mom a thumbs up.

"Okay! When we go I'll show him the new invention me and Peter made last week!"

"Peter and I," Pepper corrected softly.

"Peter and I," Morgan repeated giggling. "Can we have blueberry waffles for breakfast tomorrow please?"

"Hmm, I'll think about it. But it's time for you to go to bed now young lady," Pepper says firmly getting up from the bed.

The five-year old considered getting up with her mom and ask for some juice pops (she wasn't _that _sleepy). But remembered uncle Rhodey telling her not to bother mommy with little things like that because she was hurting a little bit inside and daddy would be upset. So she stayed put and felt excitement knowing she made her dad and uncle proud.

Pepper leaned over the bed to kiss Morgan's forehead gently. "I love you, have sweet dreams."

"You too, I love you three-thousand mommy," Morgan replied, holding her blush pink bunny close as she closed her warm brown eyes (Tony's eyes).

Pepper's heart constricted painfully hearing her little girl's words _-not that it's a competition but she loves me 3,000-_. She rushed out of the room and shut the door not wanting Morgan to see her breakdown.

Heading downstairs into the kitchen, Pepper collapsed in one of the chairs and exhaled deeply trying to collect herself. She reached into her pocket and took out her phone to look at some old pictures, not knowing what else to do.

The first picture that appeared in the gallery was of Tony decorating Morgan's nursery. She laughed lightly remembering how they argued on the theme for _days._

_"I'm telling you the kid would love this, we already live in a freakin forest, why can't we just go ahead and give her a nature theme? Ya know with the cute fuzzy rabbits and the deer..."_

_"No babe, I think she'd love the princess theme a whole lot more"_

_"Nah I don't want any of that magic...happily ever after stuff, I'm not good with it"_

_"Tony! For god's sake this is gonna be our little girl's room not yours"_

Somehow Tony had won the argument, and she was more than relieved that he did.

The second picture was of the two of them _attempting_ to take a selfie outside by the lake.

They had just finished cleaning up their little picnic and the sun was beginning to set. She asked if they could take a quick selfie since the lighting was so pretty. He automatically said yes, and they posed with his arms wrapped around her. The problem was, he wouldn't stop kissing the side of her face while she tried taking the picture. It ended up being super blurry, but neither of them cared.

The third picture was them cutting their wedding cake.

Pepper finally felt her eyes fill up with tears.

That day had been perfect.

Their wedding hadn't been huge or extravagant like many people assumed it would be.

It was simple and elegant, she remembered Tony's face when he saw her for the first time in her dress. He looked at her with pure joy, awe, and love.

She could still feel him holding her face with such care, and placing a tender kiss on her lips.

_"I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without, that's you." _

Pepper brought her hand up to her mouth to conceal the loud sobs that were sure to follow and sunk to the ground

She _missed _him and it wasn't _fair. _

They were _supposed_ to grow old and grey together, they were supposed to watch their daughter grow up to be a beautiful intelligent woman.

He..he wasn't going to tell Morgan stories anymore, he wasn't going to be there for her graduation, he wasn't going to walk her down the aisle, he wasn't going to celebrate anymore _birthdays, anniversaries, holidays-_

And it was _**his**_ fault.

That alien _bastard_ took Tony away from them.

He was the one who gave Tony all those nightmares.

He broke their family.

He stole the love of her life.

She wanted to hear her husband call her _'_Pep_' _again, to see him smirk and give her a long desperate kiss. But that was never going to happen.

She knew he said that part of the journey is the end. But she didn't want their journey to end.

_I'm not ready-_

The phone that she left on the table began to buzz loudly, causing her to jump before getting back up quickly.

She answered without bothering to see who the caller was.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded croaky and exhausted.

"Hey Pepper, I'm so sorry for calling this late. But I just wanted to let you know that Harley and I will be able to take care of Morgan tomorrow, so you don't have to worry about it and can relax for the day," Happy says _-okay thank god it wasn't some scammer-._

"Oh that's great Hap, thank you. Morgan's gonna be really excited, she loves hanging out with you two."

"Don't mention it, and we love being with her too. Hopefully those two don't rip apart my toaster to make some wild creation behind my back though haha."

"Ha, yeah let's hope," Pepper responded with a quiet laugh.

"Yeah, well I'll leave you alone now. Get some rest Pepper, night," Happy says sympathetically.

"Goodnight," Pepper ended the call, noticing that it was almost midnight.

She rubbed her sore eyes and thought she should probably take Happy's advice and try to go to sleep.

Lifting her gaze, she suddenly saw the family portrait they took a few years ago.

The three of them were in front of the house, both her and Tony were holding Morgan _-it was a miracle they got her to stay still- _and they were all smiling brightly. The image radiated nothing but happiness.

She walked rapidly towards the photograph, overcome with the need to hold it.

Gripping it fiercely, a miserable cry accidently escaped her.

A fat single teardrop fell on the portrait.

She instantly forced herself to calm down, worried she'd wake up Morgan.

Sighing wistfully, she ran her fingers over the picture before letting her thumb rest on Tony's face.

"We're not okay honey, but eventually we will be. _I love you."_

She planted a kiss on his cheek and went to bed, planning to sleep with the photo.

* * *

_I don't have anyone but you_

_You deserve better. You've taken such good care of me, been in a tough spot and you got me through it, so...right?_

_You're right, I don't deserve her! Here's where you're wrong, she was already perfect_

_Happy, you still got that ring? _

_You know me so well. You finish all my sentences_

_When I drift off, I will dream about you, it's always you _

_Hey Pep..._

_\- Anthony Edward Stark_


	2. Chapter 2

_You are not alone_

_I've been here the whole time, singing you a song _

_I will carry you_

_I will carry you - Ruelle and Fleurie- Carry You_

* * *

_Pepper laughed, for the first time in months she felt genuinely happy. _

_Her and Tony were eating sandwiches and candy in a gorgeous meadow, having a good time and talking about whatever, as if nothing bad had ever happened. It was absolute bliss. Pepper would be more than happy to live like this for eternity. _

_Tony put another orange skittle in his mouth while flashing his usual charming grin. _

_"So Miss Potts, what's been going on at the house lately? How're you? How's our daughter? Has she set anything on fire yet?"_

_"Great! I mean yeah everything's great. Morgan is fine, although she asks where you are sometimes. She misses you...," Pepper trailed off, immediately hating the response she came up with. _

_Tony's expression sobered, he took her hand in his gently. _

_"I'm sorry Pep, I hate that I can't go back with you and give you and Morgan a big ol' bear hug," Tony says with a pained look in his eyes. "I know how hard this is for you, but please know that even though I can't be with you physically, I'm with you in your heart. In both your hearts. And I know that's cheesy as heck but it's true."_

_Despite the few tears that rolled down her face, she was able to give him a small smile. _

_"That is cheesy honey, and you'll always be in our hearts but...I-I want you, I need you," Pepper whispered, all of her emotions crashing down. _

_"Come here," Tony moved quickly and gathered his beautiful wife in his arms. He held her steadily as she cried out, cursing the mad titan once more for making the love of his life suffer. _

_"You're so strong, the strongest person I know, you don't deserve any of this. I'm so sorry baby," he pressed a kiss to her head and started rubbing her back comfortingly. _

_Pepper hugged him tighter than she ever had before, terrified he would vanish again. For a moment she was worried that she was hurting him, since her nails were harshly digging against his skin, but then realized he couldn't feel pain anymore. _

_"Shhh, it's gonna be okay, I promise. I love you so much, you have no idea. Tell Morgan I love and miss her too, I'll be waiting right here for you guys," Tony says, looking at her with total adoration. _

_"I'll tell her, I love you Tony," Pepper stared at him with equal adoration. _

* * *

"Pepper come on, wake up, Pepper!"

Pepper startled awake and almost crashed right into Rhodey's head.

"Whoa sorry, man you scared me. Do you know what time it is? I went to your house earlier but no one was there, and then I found out that Happy had Morgan. Then both of us tried contacting you but you weren't answering. It's already like 7:50, it's pretty late. Were you here the whole time?" Rhodey questions, helping Pepper stand.

Pepper groaned, feeling completely disoriented as she tried to figure out Rhodey's questions. It took her several more seconds before she remembered everything.

After Happy took Morgan early that morning, she came to visit Tony in the cemetery. She fixed the new bouquet of flowers she brought him, and lay down by his grave, eventually crying herself to sleep.

Her dream. . .

It felt so real.

She could touch and kiss him again.

He told her he loved her and Morgan. . .

"Hey, are you okay?" Rhodey asks, concern laced in his voice.

A bright red/yellow butterfly suddenly fluttered past her, and landed right on top of Tony's tombstone. Somehow, that little butterfly brought her an immense feeling of peace, and she looked at her friend with a reassuring smile.

"Yes, yeah I think I finally sorta am."


End file.
